I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
