Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
