The maid of honor just puked.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
