I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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