I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
