i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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