So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
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We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
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I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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