the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
