drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
she pinky promised me she was 18
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
