I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize