wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
