Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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