He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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