I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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