Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
