but the lizard people decide everything anyway
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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