I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
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Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
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Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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