Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
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there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
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She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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