bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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