the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
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Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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