I think im going to throw up on grandma
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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