I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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