don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
