Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
