i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
