Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
