You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
