the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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