so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
