One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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