you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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