How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I haven't been this sober since birth.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
