gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
