My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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