I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
