I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
