I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
