how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
