So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
