not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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