Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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