Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
