So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
