I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
