my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
