Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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