Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
