i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
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I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
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I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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