i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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