life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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