Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Randomize
