i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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