dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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