Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
