Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
it was like his penis was on wheels.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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