He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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