Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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