my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
